Sometimes the smallest things can trigger the biggest spiritual revelations... well, for me, at least. This is how God talks to me. I call them GODSLAPS - where I’m just going along, minding my own business when BAM!...something knocks me upside the head with its weighty Biblical truth. The name makes it sound like it would be a bad thing – and sometimes, like any good slap, there is an initial sting - but in the long run, Godslaps always bring me to a new level of peace and joy in my walk with Christ. Therefore, I use this term affectionately.

These Godslaps can be something as small as seeing a tiny sliver of blue in an otherwise cloudy gray sky, and being reminded that there is always more to life than what I can see with my own eyes, and God has it all in his hands.

Sometimes, they are a little bigger….often in the form of some article or blog post that I stumble upon (or receive in an email, or get a link shared from a friend). These are the ones that usually hit the hardest.

And then there are those that seem small in the moment, but after the passing of time turn out to be completely life-altering.

Ok, truth be told, that one has only happened once, but I am still feeling the domino effect from it (nearly ten years later):

I remember the moment – it was a while back – when I was listening to an incredible worship song by one of my absolute favorite worship leaders, Steffany Gretzinger. She was singing her song, “Letting Go” (you can listen to it HERE). The lyrics struck me hard:

You’ve brought me to the end of myself
and this has been the longest road
Just when my hallelujah was tired
You gave me a new song
Now I’m letting go, I’m letting go
I’m letting go, falling into You

From the place of dry and thirsty spiritual ground where I was, I identified greatly with the sentiment of having a “tired” hallelujah - I felt like I had given much in service to God and ministry, and didn’t have anything left. But the notion that the “end of me” is a very long road struck me hard (hello, Godslap!).

Was I really at the end of myself? Was that a good thing? Was there more that I could surrender to His will? Was I really free to let it all go into His hands?

As I listened to this song, something began to dawn on me:

I wanted to know what complete surrender felt like; what total abandonment to God looked like.

And it wasn’t just a fleeting thought. It was a slow crescendo that I have yet to see the end of. As the days passed and the revelation grew deeper and nearer to my heart, I began to cry out through my desperation for God to take me to that place – where my heart would beat as His, and my eyes would see through His, and my will would mirror His. I pleaded with Him to take every single piece, every part of me - good and bad, positive and negative - and mold it into His image.

And do you know what happened? He listened.

It started with learning to lean. I will go into this further in another blog post, but after many years of being closed off emotionally because I was the one who was the "encourager", He showed me that He sends people into my life that I can lean on for support, to help me be strong when I am weak. And of course, by extension, I learned to lean on HIM for strength in my moments of weakness. 

Then He moved on to the chisel.

And then there was the vulnerability that led to intimacy in my relationships.

A good friend once told me (and continues to remind me regularly) that this purification and refining that brings us nearer to the image of God is a process. It takes time. It takes sustained and repeated effort. It is not easy. But then, being Holy is no small calling…

Jesus said in Luke 9:23, " If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."

There's a deeper lesson in that verse, but that's also an entirely different post. 

In the end, I am finding that the overarching theme of all these Godslaps is a slow opening of my hands and heart…..releasing to God things that I had no idea I was holding onto, nor that I was holding onto them for dear life.

The lesson here is this: complete surrender looks like nothing I’ve ever seen before.

The things I thought He would want from me – my willingness to serve in ministry, my anxious thoughts about the future, my constant yearning for something better – these are the things He never had to ask for. I gave them freely. But it was the harder things – my pride (that I didn’t know was there), my insecurity (that held me back from loving as He loves), my whole perspective on life and His abundant goodness (still wrapping my finite brain around that one) – these are the things I had to really, desperately, deep-down, be okay with Him stripping away.

Complete surrender looks like something new; viewed from a fresh perspective, with clearer vision and a purely humble heart.

Complete surrender leaves me looking more like the Jesus than I ever thought I could...than I ever could have on in my own strength and will.

On the cross, HE surrendered everything. The least I could do is return the favor. I am definitely not there yet....but, it's a process.